I have made a new hobby of shaming parents on Yelp for insisting on taking their shitty children out drinking with them. Oddly enough, it was in the middle of this that I got offered Elite ’17. I thought I would leave some of the better excerpts here.
The last nail in the coffin for me was something that’s a pet peeve at most breweries, but this one actually promotes: bring your shitty child in. Listen, millennial parents, please stop this now. You’re ruining adult time for those of us who are responsible enough to either get a baby sitter or wear a condom. They have a sign on the door that says “[your shitty child] and dogs welcome!” For the love of fuck, stop encouraging these people. The best I can hope for after mommy and daddy get done pounding various things with “imperial” in the name without a designated driver is that I will never have to hear their crying baby at a bar ever again. You’re not a restaurant. You pour beer and there’s a lousy pasta restaurant next door that will cater to people too drunk or too lazy to care.
They have real darts to play with, so if you’re the type of person to take your annoying child out drinking with you, please help provide the complete Darwinian experience for my afternoon pleasure.
At one point, father of the year stumbles over for another drink and needs to do something with his crotchfruit so he can navigate his wallet. He sets his useless poop machine on the bar next to me. The bartender doesn’t seem to be doing anything to dissuade this, but I’m assuming it’s a few kinds of illegal. Since I’m hanging out with a baby now, I offer the kid a sip of my beer. Daddy wasn’t very amused, but seemed to insist on hanging out at the bar with his fleshy bag of future organ transplants while he continued day raging. We started having a conversation about abortion and received a number of dirty looks from upset parents who seemed completely oblivious to the fact that they are standing directly at the fucking bar and not at a table in the other room.
They carded us at the door and I asked “Is this place always 21 and over, or just for the event?”
“Oh, sorry, it’s actually a law in Sparks that children can’t be in-“
“OH MY GOD HOW IS THE HOUSING MARKET OUT HERE?!??!?!?!!”
Yay grown up beer time!