Cats OMG!

Barfed this onto Facebook as I’ve been getting sick of responding to memes with actual legislative documents and mainstream news sources.

catmeme

Taco Bell Dare Devil Grillers: Ranked!

Ghost pepper! Fast food loves ghost pepper; except they don’t, because it often involves pain waivers, lawyers, expensive private farms and a massive amount of complaints, but Travel Channel had this great show called Man Vs Food where you saw this fat dude sweat eating these things on a weekly basis, and everybody thought “I’m a masochist, I want to suffer that kind of unimaginable pain!” As a result of the torture Adam Richman had to regularly endure, he was wearing a heart monitor by season 3, had other people doing the eating while he coached them in season 4, and his doctors had him out of the game altogether beyond that point (to be fair, there were calories to match the Scoville units).

If you’ve ever actually eaten ghost pepper, you know this gimmick is bullshit. Here, I’ll fill you in, ever fired pepper spray against the wind and had a little blow back? You were coughing and your eyes were watering for a number of minutes. If you chop ghost peppers and then rinse the cutting board off with hot water rather than cold, this provides a very similar experience.

Taco Bell’s Daredevil Grillers come in line behind several other fast food introductions of the “ghost pepper”. Red Robin was first through the door, it provided the most respectable amount of heat fast food ever has while being completely non-offensive. Next in line was Jack In the Box, they had some chicken sandwich with a needlessly long name I can’t remember, but it had jalapenos, grilled onions, swiss, and “ghost pepper” sauce on it. There was probably one naga jolokia pepper across 10 barrels of that sauce, but it was a superior fast food chicken sandwich none the less. Wendy’s followed up and did the exact same sandwich, with better quality chicken breast and I believe 2 bhut jolokias across 10 barrels of sauce. Whatever. These things aren’t hot if you’ve ever actually eaten a habanero before, and if you’re buying into the gimmick, they sell them at Safeway, I don’t know what you’re waiting for.

This makes it curious that Taco Bell is the last fast food franchise in the door, being that they specialize in Anglo-Saxon interpretations of Mexican culture, including standardizing incorrect toppings on tacos. The Daredevil ads come on showing these items with all of their meaty, peppery goodness. Mmm. Wrap beef, cheese and peppers in a tortilla and grill it? Bitch, say no more, get in my mouth. Except those aren’t fucking peppers:

daredevil02

What in the mother fuck is a “CRISPY RED STRIP”? I”m half way through this godforsaken thing wondering why I don’t taste any peppers, and it’s because the peppers are actually red strips. I don’t know what they’re made of. I’m going to assume they are the vaginal lining of cattle soaked in pickled jalapenos.

Moving on.

I started with the ghost pepper one first because go big or go home, or some other stupid bro-phrase. After working my way down, I have compiled the following chart that will relate the heat level of each griller to popular hot sauces that even non-chili-heads are likely familiar with:

daredevil

In short, this experiment is a failure. Go to your white friend’s taco night and convince him to chop a habanero into the meat. There, you took your first step into spice. Any pepper hotter than that, and you seriously have to find a guy who grows them to taste it fresh. Dave’s does have picked naga jolokias if you’re up shit creek without a masochist gardener.

Anyway, avoid. Wait for the Jack in the Box “Blazin’ Chicken Sandwich” (I just remembered the name!) to come back instead. Also not hot, but at least it doesn’t taste like diarrhea wrapped in an icy hot patch.

H1||4ry4prez

Don’t get me wrong, I actually am a Clinton supporter. I’ve been having kidney problems though, thus have a prescription for Norco, got bored and this happened.

hillaryforprez

Cartoon Network to Reboot ReBoot

reboot

With everything ever being rebooted, and all sequels and remakes being inappropriately referred to as reboots as well, it’s about time we reboot ReBoot. A true innovator, ReBoot helped bring the word reboot into popular culture, even though Microsoft themselves hate the word so much that the option on Windows is actually restart.

A number of changes are planned for the series. First of all, primary villain MegaByte is being replaced with TeraByte, because if you’re going to name a bad guy after a unit of measurement, fucking go big or go home. It is also reported that he will be 1,073,741,824 times the size of the original character, and you will need a 4k UHD television to see the edge of his toenail.

The series is going to tackle current social issues with the initial season focusing on the subject of vaccination and parental choice. TeraByte will be the archetype representing Big Pharma, trying to force antivirus upon the heroes of the show. Unfortunately, half way through their crusade, several of them contract the Sub7 Trojan virus, a disease thought to have been eliminated around 2003. Of those who survive the illness, TeraByte turns them into a botnet to shill for the pharmaceutical industry.

Look for the ReBoot reboot this fall!

Episode 12: Mraz – The Cardinal

I probably wont get around to uploading the back catalog of Blake Drinks Beer until August, but for now, here’s episode 12.

The story portion of this video is a bit darker than usual. I was having a drink with my friend Ryan and he said “You’re holding back to much. You need to just go all in. Like with the fucking horrible shit you’re telling me right now, do that in your beer videos.”

Okay, so this features the kind of shit I’m more likely to tell you if we’re drunk at a bar. Cool?

Beer: The Cardinal
Brewery: Mraz Brewing Company
Location: El Dorado Hills, CA, USA
Style: Sour ale, barrel aged
More info: http://mrazbrewingcompany.com/

Migrating…

Hi internet!

So, I’m moving everything from that old domain that was under my full name to a new site at this one. I use my full name at work and I’m a technician in the family entertainment industry. Gotta say, not a crowd you want looking you up and seeing you scream “FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING! LET’S DRINK BEER!” It just isn’t very professional.

That said, this is in it’s infancy. If you find broken links, feel free to let me know in the comments. The new RSS links should be relatively permanent. My old site will be moved over to work friendly things like open source projects and business commentary.

Theme will be changing and the Blake Drinks Beer videos will return as soon as I have time. They’re all gone from YouTube, but as soon as I find all the project files I’ll get HTML5 versions on this site. I usually post them while actively drinking the featured beer, so I’ve been incredibly sloppy about it.

Anyway, toodles for now. Jerks.